Dear Dog (aka Inferior Species)
We, the beloved cats, having tried our best to ignore your existence as much as possible, now find it imperative to bring a few important items to your attention. We were sincerely hoping that you would be gone by now, but it seems we must live with disappointment.
It’s true, we had reason to hope your stay would be temporary. Your arrival here a few weeks ago was not a welcome one. We were both shocked and dismayed to see you jump out of our family’s car. Thinking it must be some sort of mistake, we felt the most appropriate response would be to absent ourselves. Why get all in a tizzy over a dog, after all. Imagine, if you will, our deep dismay when you were promptly let inside the house. We have been attempting various methods of entry for over a year – from sneaking stealthily when the door is slightly ajar, to making a mad dash. We have tried just waltzing in and acting as though we belong, and running upstairs to hide under the bed. All of our attempts have ended the same way. We are unceremoniously ushered outside. Every. Single. Time. To say that we were mystified and disappointed, that you – a dog no less – would be freely allowed to enter that most coveted place, would be a gross understatement.
The situation worsened considerably during the family’s next outing. Typically, we accompany the woman and our boys on their daily walks. We follow behind, and receive copious amounts of love and pets from our boys. They usually find some sticks or tall grass which they wave in front of us to entice us to chase them, much to our delight. But on that particular day, you were there. Your mere presence was disturbing enough, but you made it an absolute nightmare by insisting on chasing us up trees and into the bushes every time you spotted us, even in spite of the woman’s repeated cries of No! You don’t listen very well, Dog.
That first night we huddled in our house and told each other comforted each other. It’s ok, we said, this will soon pass. It is but a momentary lapse of judgement. But the next day you were still there, and then there was another day, and another day. We began to realize running from you was not solving the issue, and so we stood our ground, giving you a good swat on the nose once or twice. We are not ashamed to say that we enjoyed that rather immensely. There, we thought, now the dog will know its place. It’s true you no longer chased, but your repeated attempts to smell us and your incessant barking at us was really becoming irritating. We didn’t care that you were just trying to get to know us, or wanting to play. We really truly didn’t want you anywhere near us. (Please note: this has not changed).
A few days after your arrival we felt salvation had come at last! You were taken away and we breathed a sigh of relief. Now surely everything would go back to the way it was before. And for a few blissful days, it was. We were rather hoping that we would now be let inside the house, but our repeated attempts continued to be denied, but we found solace in the knowledge that at least we no longer had to deal with you.
But then – you had the incredible audacity to return. We really cannot over emphasize how upsetting this was, Dog. And once again, you were let inside. We let the woman know our feelings on this issue as often as possible. We took shifts sitting on the landing outside the front door so that every time she looked outside, or opened the door, there we were. Our expressions made our feelings abundantly clear. Unhappy. Unimpressed. We meowed pitifully and incessantly at her. All to no avail.
We had high hopes that this stay was also merely temporary. But one night, sitting on our perch, we overheard the woman tell the boys…OUR boys…that you are here to stay. Unbelievable.
Nevertheless, denial will get us nowhere. And so Dog, we feel it necessary to establish some rules.
Rule 1 – Under no circumstances are you ever to come within a two foot radius of us. We refuse to be tainted by your overpowering dog stink.
Rule 2 – You will be swatted mercilessly should you ever break rule 1. We will do our best to draw blood.
Rule 3 – In order to enable you to experience to some small degree how you have made us feel, we will sit in a tree exactly one inch out of your reach and pretend to sleep or lick our paws while you bark and work yourself into a frenzy. We are aware this drives the man and the woman crazy, and we confess that this is in fact our purpose. It is our sincerest hope that they will become so annoyed by this behavior that they will send you away again. It hasn’t worked yet.
Rule 4 – You shall not touch our food or water bowls. Should you happen to drink out of our water bowl, it will be considered tainted, and we will refuse to drink from it until it has been properly sanitized and refilled. We reserve the right to try to eat your food even though we already know it’s too big and too hard for our feline teeth.
Rule 5 – We reserve the right to change our minds about any of the above rules, but especially Rule 1 in the winter months for the purposes of using you as a living heat pad.
We feel it of utmost importance to make it clear that even though of late we have been in fact, slightly more tolerant of your presence, we still ultimately dislike you. That one time we brushed up against you and didn’t immediately recoil shouldn’t be taken as a sign of acceptance…even if you are soft and fuzzy and oh so warm. Ahem. In any case, we think we have made ourselves quite clear.